I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
