don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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