It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
