I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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