I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
