the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
