I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
