I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
