I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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