I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
