just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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