just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
