4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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