Someone shit on the floor
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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