Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
