Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
