There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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