Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
