I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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