Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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