Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
