she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
