just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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