Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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