I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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