she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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