Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
