I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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