im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
