I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
