I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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