Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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