if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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