the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
