so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
