put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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