I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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