there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I wish there were birth control emojis
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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