Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
