The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
