Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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