She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Less talking, more tequila
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
