some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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