DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
