Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
