He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
