so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
