I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My vagina just recognized that song.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
