remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
