I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize