No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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