There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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