Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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