i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
