Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
