I look better un-naked...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
