god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
