I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
