He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
