Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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