Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
