do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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